Closer to Fine

 This one is for me.  I have cornerpieces, which I can’t access anymore.  And cornerpieces2, which is for the world.  And for me, so I can get my thoughts to the world.  

But this one is for me.  I may tell people about it at some point.  Who knows, maybe the program for my memorial service will have a mention.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  It’s 2021.  I’m about 1 1/2 years into life post brain tumor diagnosis. May 2019 I had a seizure driving home from work, somehow didn’t wreck my car, and ended up in the hospital. I did radiation and chemo summer 2019.  Extra monthly chemo for an additional 12 months, ending November 2020.  Cornerpieces2 tells all about it.  This isn’t my point here.  Not entirely.  

I don’t know how this all ends.  I mean, I do.  There really is just one way it all ends. And if I am honest, that scares the hell out of me.  And I am starting this to be honest.  I’m 55, a year and a half into a diagnosis of something that the more pessimistic MD Anderson doctor says has an expected survivability of 2-5 years.  

I’ve always been terrified of death. Not specifically of dying, but of being dead.  Of not existing.  I don’t believe that there is anything after death, so I know that at some point I will no longer exist. 

I used to wake up in a panic over that.  I managed to relegate it to the background so I could live my life.  Seems like focusing on that too much would make it hard to enjoy the time I have.  

I always figured that I could deal with it all later.  I don’t know how.  Maybe find religion.  A religion that believes in an afterlife.  But how do you find faith late in life?

So, this is, I don’t know, me trying to figure it all out.  Or documenting the journey at least.  I went into therapy for the first time a few months back, and at a minimum this is my proactive attempt to do something.  I may talk about therapy, my journey to find meaning and hopefully peace, my thoughts on dying, being dead, not existing, etc. I am hoping it’s a long journey, but by definition the journey will eventually end. If you found this and want to be entertained, go to cornerpieces2.  If I figure out the meaning of it all, I promise I’ll cross post it.